piles of chaos

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i read a great blog post recently about the frustrations and jealous of the career path. but not in the way you think-because i have a very different path than most. my dear friend and shamanic practitioner once said to me amy, by the time you are 40 you will probably have and 40 different career paths.

and she was pretty much dead on-i think it was really only 24, however i know i day dreamed and tried on and thought about at least 16 others that i didn't actually get a job doing.

i don't have a connection or a knowing to my purpose or my passion or my career path. so i wander. i add. i make plans. i make more plans. i get lost.

and my failures don't feel like good or bad failures and my successes don't feel like successes because i have no idea where i want to end up. so i can't tell if i am getting closer or farther from-well i guess that is part of the problem.

my husband pisses me off because he has always known what he was going to do with his life. and he knew that working in computer science was a short term solution to get him closer to his long term dream of doing music. the way he works with music has changed and evolved over the years but he always knew he wanted to write music.  so even when he's depressed or lost or fails to get a gig-he still knows-this is what i want to do and now i will do this to try and get closer to the goal.

i was an arts and crafts councilor at a resident camp in collage and at the start of every year the art room would be a giant disaster of things. yarn, and paper, and broken crayons and i don't even know what this crap is and on and on it went. that is how i feel about my career overwhelmed and even in the sorting process i still can't see how this will all come together or what kind of projects i can and want to create with all this crap.

i have this vision of a person in the middle of the room with piles and piles and piles but if you float up throughout the ceiling you can see the overall picture and the person is actually in the middle of an amazing mandala.

i just need perspective.

i just need to float high enough outside of my life to see how all the seemingly disparate bits actually go together to create the ideal expression of how money comes to me, how i create the green stuff that still makes the world go round.

what i want to get closer to: juiciness, radiance, love, infinite possibilities, delight

anyone know a job with those qualities? because then i've found my career path!