damn it

cloud forest

things are getting clearer.  and i really did ask for this. but there is a difference between knowing it is time to make a change and being in the middle of the change. being in the change is a challenge.

from the outside i could see i was lost and drifting and that it was time to do some internal re-arranging. i was longing for a shamanic quest or a soul retrieval. some form of really hard work where i felt the changes and confusion, like having my back ache from a good day of manual labor.

yesterday i realized i had manifested my challenge.

and today i want to run away screaming please don't put me in charge, i can't take responsibility for something that HUGE and oh my god this is what i am supposed to do next and i have no fucking clue how to even begin.

today is that dance of trepidation where the fog is most dense and there is no path and you have butterflies in your entire being because you know you are gonna get called on next and you have no idea what you are going to say because the dog ate your homework.

i was craving this feeling, until it came again and i was once again swooped up in the hugeness of it.

so here i am.

yep, here i am.

Jennifer Louden wrote a beautiful post today on a very similar topic and if you feel you are on a quest for your heart you need to read this. i want to hear more of this story, i crave it and i understand that this experience has led her to right here: where she is leading women through the she-ro's journeys and savoring and serving the world. it is incredible to have been lurking on her website these last 6 months after hanging out for a year before that. so much change is such a little time.

the piece of the story that struck home hard was this:

This is the last one we have to give,” she said, her nails digging into my palm, whatever I was holding making my arm ache from its weight. “If you do not find what you seek, if you return empty handed like all the others, it is over.” She pulled me closer. “It is lost.”

i do not want to return empty handed but i don't understand what i am supposed to do with this. i don't understand.

and for today that is ok. i don't need to know anything more than i don't know. and that i am scared to move into this place of such responsibility. i fear i will let myself, my family and this beautiful planet down. and that is what makes me the perfect choice to carry this.

there will be magic again in this world and part of that will be my doing. for i have chose to accept the call.